Treat Pussy right

...and once again, today's You've-gotta-be-kitten-me News headline: Coventry woman puts neighbour's tabby cat in a wheelie bin.

ARE...YOU...SERIOUS!?!?!?!?!?

So Sky, The BBC and ITN's rolling "news" services have nowt better to do than hound Coventry bank-worker Mary Bale for putting her neighbour's moggy in a bin..... Really? Well I guess the suffering of millions of Pakistanis, 30 trapped Chilean miners, the folk caught up in that bus siege in Manila and the thousands of travellers stuck in the world's biggest traffic jam in China/Tibet don't amount to a hill of beans when compared with some fleabag cat? Sheesh. Makes me wonder what these news channels bumped off the schedule in order to focus on this most weighty of event?....

So anyway... Here's some feline themed filmic fulfilment.

First up, here's my hero, Bagpuss. It's the one about the marvellous mouse mill. It's a powerful allegory about Tony Blair's sexed-up WMD Dossier - well know, it's just a lovely little story.

 

Rap mocumentary Fear of a Black hat was unjustly overshadowed by lacklustre Chris Rock vehicle CB4. The former remains a sharp satire on NWA/PE-era hip hop. The latter was shit Here's a novel take on C&C Music Factory's "Good vibrations."

 

…And Finally, here’s to the definitive Catwoman, Julie Newmar.

 

 

 

Technorati Tags: I smell pussy,Bagpuss,Mary Bale

“Does he take Sugar, from behind?”

You gotta love the silly season huh?

In the absence of parliamentary activity and everything from Big Brother and X-Factor through to Israel or Northern Ireland rumbling along as per usuals, the unduly privileged dung beetles to which we give the laughable accolade "professional journalists" struggle to fill the airtime and column inches with genuine news. We've had the annual animal cruelty sob story with the parasailing donkey in Russia. We've had the giant monster animal invasion story with giant super rats terrorising a Bradford council estate (Well Kerry Katona and her litter have got to live somewhere right?). We're amid the annual furore over GCSE/A-level standards and the scarcity of university places. So please spare a thought for those privately educated, Oxbridge-alumni, Islington tossers, Hoxton Trash and condescending professional-“working-class” tabloid editorial staff who are running on empty. Please spare a thought, a place in your heart and a special shit-filled-pit in hell for these highly paid school bullies who, come rain snow or shine, are on constant search for a scapegoat to be saddled with their latest sensationalist spite.

Despite being owned by notorious tax-dodging parasites, The Telegraph as been on a courageous crusade to expose where our tax ££££££££££s are being wasted.  First came the MP expenses, then the BBC expenses and now, when all other legitimate targets have been hit, it's time to pick on the most vulnerable sector of society. Yes! Apparently it isn't the Trident nuclear programme, high-risk banking, nor the Olympics,  nor reckless petroleum companies that are responsible for the wreckage of the British economy. Nope. The reason You're being laid off, the reason prices are rising,  the cause of poor policing and the reason the hospitals are crumbling is because one developmentally handicapped fella is using some of his social welfare to go on holiday and visit a sex worker.

 

Preach on! Let's give those leaching disabled the thorough kicking-in that's been coming to them ever since they began their dirty little lifestyle choice.  or, in the words of The Daily Mail's Bellend Mooney,

"Good God, it used to be basketmaking and physiotherapy, but now it's sexual awareness." 

 

If you want the "news" in full, here ya go:

The Mail  and The Telegraph reports.

Predictably, the daily mail decided to wade in with an utterly bigotted, profoundly contradictory take on the telegraphs original misrepresentation of events. Special mention goes to the Mail for using the tasteful noun "madness" when misreporting the activities of a learning disabled fella – well done you fucking R Tards!According to the asinine braying of Bell Mooney, "Some 53 per cent of councils are said to have a strategy that ' explicitly empowers' disabled people to pursue their sexual aspirations. Once , the disabled lobby campaigned for proper access. Now it sounds like improper access is also on the agenda." 

 

 

AS any right-minded person can appreciate, such irresponsible abuses of journalism sent me into a fury. It's only now, a week on, that the red mist has lifted and I can start to think about this rationally. I sought solace from sacred texts and in the holy scripture Me against the world, prophet Tupac Amaru Kevin Humphrey Massingbird Shakur (Peas be upon him) decreed:

 

 

"...they punish the people that's askin questions, And those that possess, steal from the ones without possessions.  The message I stress: to make it stop study your lessons, Don't settle for less - even the genius asks questions…"

(Chapter 3, Verse 3).

And then Big Al Einstein said:

“The function of genius is not to give new answers, but to pose new questions - which time and mediocrity can solve.”

(but I couldn't find his video on youtube)

 

So, with this in mind, I shall endeavour to articulate my feelings in the forms of questions. In no particular order:

• Q: What kind of monged out spacker dribbling scribblers are The Telegraph employing these days? Does it really take three supposedly 'professional' journalists to plagiarise and then misrepresent the press release of the TLC and Outsiders charities?
• Q: When did plagiarism of a press release ever constitute an "investigation?"
• Q: When did prefixing blatant falsehoods with "it seems....." or "Now...." transform falsehoods into facts? When did this become standard practice at The Daily Mail?
• Q: How many severely physically, mentally, sensory or developmentally disabled people: Host their own 1Xtra show? Have their own regular Mail column? Occupy a correspondents' position at the Telegraph which is not disability/diversity related? (NB: being blind to facts, deaf to more enlightened views and voluntarily incapable of moving off your lard-arsed complacency are not legitimate disabilities).
• Q: Why does the fella have to go to Amsterdam? What's wrong with Our own grown British Whores? Is this yet another example of those blasted Brussels bureaucrats dictating how and where to get our Rompuy-pumpy?
• Q: Since when does one isolated instance constitute a nationwide trend? How can The Daily Mail simultaneously pluralise one mundane fact into "the thin-end of the wedge" catastrophe whilst giving the misleading impression that £520,000,000 are being ring-fenced solely to procure one prostitute for one man?
• Q: "....Tim was lucky. So are those disabled men and women who, within specialised residential homes, fall in love and marry." Wow! If I'm "lucky," that's what I can look forward to? So us Disabled folk should hope that we are put in institutions and then have to settle for sexual congress with a fellow inmate? Is Bell Mooney not in fact confusing disability with being in prison? What did I do wrong to receive this life sentence and what gives Bell Mooney the right to sit as prosecution, judge, jury and jailer?
• Q: "Once , the disabled lobby campaigned for proper access. Now it sounds like improper access is also on the agenda." So, Ms Mooney.... this "disability lobby?" Where on the professional paranoiacs' paint-chart does it fall? (i.e. where between "The Gay Illuminati Islamists and the shape-shifting PC-Brigade does the fearsome threat of the “Disability lobby” register?)
• Q: What's "improper" about giving the learning disabled education and advice on sexual health such as birth-control and the prevention of STIs?
• Q: Can you imagine how soul-crushingly embarrassing it is for any individual to have to speak with their local council about the most private of needs and desires? Can you imagine how humiliating it would be to have these confidential matters splattered across the tabloid press and talk radio? How does this public exposure aide to counter the social alienation of “The Great Ignored?”
• Q: If You don't like "human rights" then what's stopping you from fucking off to Somalia, Afghanistan or Zimbabwe where citizens have been liberated from all human rights and are “free” to disregard the human rights of their fellow man?
• Q: You self-appointed moral arbiters style yourselves as "Libertarian" but why should the core Libertarian principles of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of happiness" apply to everybody apart from the disabled? Is not "the pursuit of happiness" as important as the other two members of the libertarian trinity?
• Q: Why does the unelected far-right organisation The Tax Payers' alliance enjoy such a disproportionately loud media presence? Why invite the TPA to reiterate their mendacious slogans and then neglect to ask a single disabled person for their informed opinion?
• Q: If the TPA want "small government" and hate "the nanny state" (NB: Only those whose families were financially fortunate enough to use nannies to raise their sprogs use the term "nanny state") to whom do I post the one-way airfares to Somalia?
• Q: When Your bank account is credited with that week's wages, does your PAYE slip come with a set of puritanical provisos, specifying on what you can spend your money and from where you are to obtain these products and services?
• Q: How many of the thousands of teenaged/twenty-something ASBO-monkeys and slap-addicts engaging in bestial debauchery in our city centres from Thursday-till-Sunday are in receipt of tax credits or some sort of social welfare?
• Q: If it is legal for an able bodied person to purchase services from dating-networks, lap-dance venues, escort agencies and massage parlours (which it is) why should the disabled be denied this civil liberty?
• Q: Who started this fallacy that We get to pick and choose where every penny of the national revenue goes? If so, whose leg do I have to hump to get my rebate for: Wembley Stadium, The Millennium Dome, The London Olympics, foreign aide to China, The "Change 4 Life" propaganda campaign, Trident, Chris Moyles, Scottish devolution, Tim Westwood - and not forgetting, Richard Hammond's costly air ambulance ride and NHS emergency treatment for his self-inflicted stupidity?
• Q: If social welfare provision is now to be rationed according to tabloid "morality," will the disabled also be scorned for eating bacon, prawns and other Harem/non-kosher foods?
• Q: Should all benefits recipients (which, one way or another, is *everybody* in the UK) be sensitive to the beliefs of vegetarians and vegans and be banned from wearing leather or eating Roast beef?
• Q: If Mathew Elliot, those three unwise monkeys at The Telegraph and Bell Mooney were to be struck disabled tomorrow, would they be willing to relinquish all human rights and have their status as human beings revoked? Would their sexual needs and desires disappear overnight? Would they gladly accept that they no longer matter?
• Q: If one suffers (either at birth or due to, say, medical negligence) from a sensory, physical, mental or developmental disability, should they not be able to use welfare provision to enable them to enjoy an as "normal" life as possible?
• Q: If driving lessons enable the individual to become a more active and engaged member of their community (not to mention economy and job market), surely that's a good thing?
• Q: What's wrong with this statement? "Zoe Grace Cozens, who wrote the council's policy on learning disability and sexuality, said the authority also had a duty of care to ensure that those with learning disabilities were not being exploited financially, if they paid for prostitutes from their own money.  "That could mean care workers phoning to check what rate sex workers were charging," she added." The definition of "Social care" no? Seemples.
• Q: Is sexual fulfilment not a primary drive of all life-forms? Is social and sensual experience not the motivation (and goal) of most human behaviour?
• Q: If one suffers from a physical, mental, sensory or developmental disability but has their sexual desires and related cognitive faculties in tact, why shouldn't they utilise any/all available help to engage in consensual physical intimacy? ?
• Q: If one suffers from a learning, physical or sensory disability and also happens to be Gay, lesbian, transvestite, transsexual, inter-gender (or somewhere else on the gender/sexuality spectrum other than missionary-position-hetero), how are they to enjoy a fully meaningful and rewarding existence unless they ask for practical/financial help? How does a Gay quadriplegic explore their sexuality? How does a transvestite person with cerebral palsy express their identity?
• Q: If Bell Mooney, Richard Littledick, Jon Gaunt and other grandstanding hypocrites and Hatemongerers were forced to acknowledge the existence of gay, lesbian, transsexual, transvestite and inter-gender disabled, how high would their heads exploding register on the ricta scale?
• Q: These "journalists" will no doubt plead some spurious "public interest" in "exposing" this expenditure - were they all so vocal when bosses of bailed-out banks used public finances to take clients to lap-dance clubs and massage parlours? Where's the hysteric outrage at the use of "Tax payers' money" by incompetent bankers to shoot their wad up corporate hospitality?
• Q: how much of licence-fee revenue can be identified as having not been used for sexual gratification of BBC "talent?"

 

 

Mooney's spectacularly contradictory rant does (in true "I'm not a sexist/racist/twat BUT....I've got a Black/crippled/gay BFF...." STYLEE) pay lip-service to the true authors of the investigation:

"Organisations such as The Outsiders and TLC (Tender Loving Care) do invaluable work to recognise the sexual needs of the disabled and do what they can to help - campaigning in a pretty forthright way."

 

- Hence their FOI application  - and all their good work is undone by a single, wrong-headed, sub-literate piece of snideness by you. Are you proud of yourself? Do you sleep soundly at night knowing that you are paid to pump your cognitive sewege into the popular conscious?

 

Fortunately, You (the Great British public) have defied my fears and of the 250 or so Comments on the Telegraph website, the overwhelming majority have ranged from spot-on through to at least trying to imagine what it would be like to be disabled and/or on the receiving end of such institutionalised bigotry. Special props to Jonathan Handforth:

"....he gets this fund to spend on what he wants to improve quality of life, and if this is what helps his mental well-being, of someone whose ability to get sex in the normal way is impaired, then as a taxpayer, I fully approve. I don’t think anyone realises what its like to be impaired in this way (as someone with Asperger Syndrome, I sort of do - although I've got laid a few times, it has been far from plain sailing compared to my peers). If you did, perhaps you might sympathise more."

"I can't believe how irresponsible this is. At a time when disabled people are being told they're scroungers and scum, the last thing we need is salacious gossip highlighting some very minority and unusual cases and failing to understand just how difficult life is for those disabled people who are unable to work and have to endure the benefits system and its impenetrable forms and target-driven medical assessments. It's not just irresponsible, it's idiotic. You might find a girl who would have the compassion to have regular sex with, say, the cerebral palsied, but the expression 'hens' teeth' springs to mind. It's bad enough being normal and trying to get regular sex from a compassionate girl."

 

 

If a disabled person has no option than to seek council help to obtain ersatz physical intimacy from a sex worker then surely that says more about society than that poor sod.  I don't blame anybody with a sensory, physical or mental disability for wanting to use internet dating/hook-up services. Anything that eliminates alienation and allows people to live up to their potential is worth its weight in gold. In the wise-wise words of the author of the same Difference blog:

"Have these ‘many taxpayers’ ever thought that if more people considered having romantic relationships with disabled people, maybe then we wouldn’t need to consider paying for our romantic pleasure at all!"

 

Ian Dury (RIP) is a fucking legend. Do the knowledge.

Technorati Tags: Bell Mooney,The Telegraph,Disability,sex,prostitutes,mumsnet,Ian Dury,Silly season

Blinkered Taylor Sold a lie

For those expecting to read the latest on Naomi Campbell getting her dirty rocks off Liberian War Criminal (eh-hmm, I mean "Alleged" bally rotter))Charles Taylor, you might find this blog post a disappointment.

What follows is an account of an unsolicited encounter I had two Fridays ago in Bath City Centre. I am recounting this brief exchange, not because it is so extraordinary but for the reason that it is a depressingly recurrent papercut on my soul. I hope that, via the six-degrees-of-separation phenomenon, my documenting of this event will somehow reach those who need to address their attitudes and correct their behaviour. Well eya goes....

So, it's Friday afternoon and I'm off to my third gym session of the week. I'm walking up the high street past HMV, Ann Summers and Whittards. (I've lost count of the times the only things on my shopping-list have been: herbal tea, edible knickers and an Engelbert Humperdinck CD). Anyhoos, I'm psyching myself up for some gruelling supersets when some old geez steps in my path, breaks my gait and pulls me aside. "Fair dos" I assume, because maybe there was some big hole in the ground or bone-crushing machinery into which I was set to fall. This was not the case - the following dialog however was:

"Can you see at all"

"Um, I can see a tiny bit in one eye but that's about it - thanks anyway" -

"Hello, My name is John Taylor"

"Right. Hello John.... Well thanks" -

"Can you tell me, have you always been blind?"

".....ummm....Oh. no....I was ill as a child"

"Well many people who attend my church group have had their blindness cured"

"Right."

"Well Barbara – she attends the group – she doesn't need to wear glasses anymore"

"Hmmmmm...Right. I don't think - "

"Being part of the group has cured many members' blindness"

"No I don't think -"

"If you put faith in God, he will forgive your sins and cure your blindness"

"No. I know for a fact it doesn’t work like that.”

"No it is true. It works. If you would come to my group"

at which point I hurried off, not sure whether to explode with rage or burst into tears of exasperation.

"If your imaginary friend "God" is so omnipotent, how come he could (if begged) revive my optic nerves and brain but has yet to get round to correcting your splendiferous stammers, stutters and pronounced lisp?

^is what I wish I had said to Johnny-boy and that^ is pretty much what I wrote in that day's facebook status update. As it was, all I wanted to do at the time was get as far away from one of Jesus’s sunbeams as possible.

I've grown immured to the students and banana-townies (bent, yella and hang around in bunches) who shout whatever Little Britain or Ricky Gervais/Karl Pilockton has taught them to say this week. I don't like this whole "I'm so PC I can be more bigoted than Bernard Manning but I'm 'ironic'" bullshit but sadly it's here to stay. I let it slide when people mean well but get it so wrong. I routinely tolerate being patronised and regarded as a sub-human reject by the majority of my fellow man/woman - fuck 'em. I'm a quiet guy with a very thick skin and a high tolerance level to suffer fools kindly - So why did three sentences from this John Taylor character shake me up?

John upset me so profoundly, not because of what he said but rather because he honestly believed what he was saying and sincerely believed he was doing me a favour. I'm guessing Taylor was a member of some religious group because his own life hadn't panned out how it should. I’m guessing his life was running on empty and all he had left was hope…hope he wanted to share with me. What good would it have accomplished if I'd unleashed awesome wrathful indignation on a guy who had nothing better to do on a Friday afternoon than recruit me to his delusionist support group? That'd be like kicking somebody's (mental) crutches out from under them.

So there I was, being pitied by an utterly piteous wretch. It's like those couple of times when homless Big Issue sellers have offered me food and money (fe'reals, no foolies).

 

I always thought that the world’s main religions extolled humility, compassion and mutual respect above all else. What do "Christians" think gives them the right to routinely derail my train of thought, when I'm chilling in a cafe, to tell me that their imaginary friend loves me and that they shall pray for my soul? How is it that "Muslim" cab drivers presume it is acceptable to interrogate me, in great detail, about not only the medical details of my disability but also my benefits-claiming status. what is going through the minds of those Hindus/Jains who tell me, in casual passing, that my disability is the fruits of misdeeds in a previous life? What gives NHS employees the right to tell me and other blind people about some mumbo-jumbo faith healer? What gives anybody the right to invade the physical, emotional and spiritual space of society's most vulnerable in order to arrogantly presume that I need to be enlightened about their particular brand of millennia-old fairytales, hear say and imaginary friends?

 

Technorati Tags: Thundercats,disability,religion,religious tolerance,league of gentlemen,Bath

The CritIQ rides again…

It's been a long time, I shouldn't have left you, without a terrible blog post to step to. Yesyesy’all: I've been AFK, IRL for too long and the longer I left it, the harder it became to jump back into the blogosphere. I got a taste of reality and trust me, that stuff's more moreish than barbeque-sauce flavoured crack.

 

It's not like there hasn't been anything about which to rant. Shitloads has gone down. Since we last spoke: Studenty tossers across the nation left it till the last minute to exercise their democratic rights and The Great Yarmouth council election was decided by cutting a deck of cards.... Britain's got a new, coalition government...The Guardian gave Professor Green's new album four stars, Smurfkind rejoiced...The most newsworthy thing about the soccer World Cup was a psychic octopus and his plastic trumpet..."DJ" "Super producer" Solar *eventually* told us that Guru had gone to live on a special farm where he can run around and chase rabbits with gay abandon - but we are not allowed to visit....The Digital Economy Bill means that entire families/libraries/colleges/streets will feel the full force of criminal law if one member of said household/cafe/library/wifi-hotspot is *suspected* of downloading copyrighted material...

(

One of the then-child-killers of James Bulger violated his probation twice before being found guilty of distributing child-porn....Ras Kass and Public Enemy went cap-in-hand to their fans - and, so far, standing on the information superhighway with a begging-bowl is paying off for Ras Kass.... The BP Deep-water Horizon oilrig blew up in the Mexican Gulf and Barack Obama tried to vilify the British for the actions of an American sub-contractor employed by an internationally floated corporation (apparently Jingoistic bigotry is fine when coming from a Black American).... Having "exposed" the questionable use of expense accounts by politicians and BBC fatcats, those courageous scribes at the tax-dodging Telegraph decided to "expose" the Truth that some severely disabled people are exercising their rights as adults and choosing to use some of their Direct-Payment benefits on adult dating and sex workers (no mention was made by the same publication of the tax-payers' money used by bailed-out banks to take their clients to lap-dance clubs and 'massage parlours' on corporate jollies)...This summer the cinema's been revisiting our childhoods but they should've left The A-Team well alone... Summer also saw several ‘80s style mass-murderer tribute acts: Cabbie Derrick Bird flipped out like Michael Ryan, Stephen Griffiths (aka "The Crossbow Cannibal" aka "Ghostface bedwettah" aka "U-Nob" aka "Ol Dirty Coward") is a Yorkshire Ripper redux and Raoul Moat spent more time writing faggy essays than carrying out his revenge fantasy and so was barely a passable Doobie Duck homage…

 

N-Dubz have their own 'Reality' TV show and you're never more than nine minutes away from a Lady Gaga song (what a talented fella)...Somme nonce/murderer Ian Huntley had his throat slit by a fellow inmate and has tried to sue the prison service for failing to fulfil their duty of care (prompting the tabloid media to decide that fundamental human rights should only apply to non-convicts and only then if They are deemed worthy)...The Fat Beats record stores are to close, marking a significant event in the mass extinction of bricks & mortar record stores selling physical recordings. The demise of these stores (as with the Stateside closure of HMV and Virgin Megastores five or so years ago) was chalked-up to a drop off in record sales - well don't blame me -

I've bought loadsa new albums:

• B Dolan Fallen House, Sunken City (4/5)
• Big Boi Sir Lucious Leftfoot…son of Chico Dusty (4/5)
• Braille Weapon Aid (3/5)
• Diversion Tactics Careful on the way up (3/5),
• Flobots Survival Story (1/5)
• Foreign beggars United Colours of Beggattron (3/5)
• Gon Consider Violence (4/5 - still waiting to receive the CD)
• Lews tewns PUP3: Bar Wars: Return of the Piss Heads (2/5)
• Magnum KI Magnum KI (4/5)
• MF Grimm You only live twice: The audio graphic novel (2/5),
• Murrey & The 9th Wonder "Forever" (according to the index card in my HMV anyway) (3/5)
• Nas & Damien Marley Distant Relatives (3/5)
• Open Mic Eagle Unapologetic Art Rap (3/5)
• Pip Skid Skid Row (2/5)
• Random & K Murdock Forever Fanicom (4/5)
• Ras Kass ADIDAS (3/5)
• Rhyme Asylum Solitary Confinement (4/5)
• The Roots How I got over (3/5)
• Sage Francis Li(f)e (4.5/5)
• The Let go Morning comes (4/5)
• The Trillionaire$ By hook or by crook (3/5)
• Ty Special kind of fool (3/5)
• Vinnie Spaz The Herbal Homogram Season of the ass assin (1/5:

(Reviews available on request)

Yup: plenty's gone down but I felt every angle of most of these topics had already been blogged to death. If you have been affected by any of the issues raised in today's blog post (or simply have a novel suggestion for a post) please get in touch.

(

ttfn

Technorati Tags: Rap,news,Melanie Philips is evil,album purchases,reviews on request

An Open letter to The Cuntspiracy Girlguide

My dearest Friend.

How can I thank you for sharing all those video clips, tagging me in innumerable facebook posts and for the countless PDFs you've sent me via instant messenger? You did the right thing in reaching out to me with your cornucopia of captivating counter-narratives. I apologise for the tardy response but it was such a weight of material through which to plough and I didn't want to pass judgement without first fully digesting this mind-busting banquet of food for thought. You'll be glad to know, I've watched the videos, read every article and followed all the links and since you ask, here's my response….

Wow! Where to begin? Seriously, wow! these David Icke, Alex Jones and Dylan Avery fellas have succeeded where centuries of scholarship have failed in illuminating such a simple unified theory of EVERYTHING. I'm not surprised by your Messianic worship of these figures. they are not only geniuses and prophets but more importantly, their uncanny ability to swim against the tide of facts and then leapfrog logic is nothing short of miraculous. They have not only found the end of the rainbow and, once there, not only found the pot of gold but they've also been selfless enough to come all the way back to tell us about it - shame the one time it happened there were no batteries in the camcorder and their GPS phone was on the blink. (this kinda reminds me of that kid at school who said he had all the Star Wars figures including the rocket-firing Boba Fett but his dad wouldn't let him take them out the loft - poor kid. Did the CIA get to him too?).

Who'd've thunk that The Truth so closely resembles the classic Star Wars trilogy with it's evil empire and righteous rebellion? I never knew The Matrix, ET, Inception and Porky's were documentaries. I never knew that distinguishing between good an bad people was as simple as identifying who was wearing the white Stetson and who is twirling their moustaches. How come the medical world (every doctor, every nurse, every peer-review publication, every medical student and every textbook of every university all over the NWO) is wilfully colluding to let millions die each day and yet some work-shy Jehst-wannabe can find the cure for AIDS on Google? You are privy to all this forbidden knowledge and yet you couldn't even get five gold stars on your McDonalds uniform? How come you're so deft at pinning the label on the " petty-bourgeois sheeple Fascists” and yet be so cack-handed with that Ledel price-gun? Curse those darned Free Masons for curbing your use of the key to life, the universe and everything and trapping you at home on the dole. Do you know the freezing/melting/boiling/plasma-point of any other element than Twin-tower steel? Have you authorised Richard Dawking, Simon Cowel and Barack Obama's membership of your Revolutionary Real Rap message board yet? I never thought of placing all my faith in ill-tempered, uneducated, unelected drug-addled illiterate rappers but yeh, you've enlightened me that Jak Progresso, Vinnie Spaz and Killah Priest will succeed where my Community Support officer, social services, town councillers, MP and MEP are destined to betray me. I look forward to seeing Sick Jacken behind the wheel of the gritting truck next time it snows. Ill Bill's spot on when he instructs us to "trust nobody." What with the likes of Jon Gaunt, Glen Beck, Sarah Palin, Rush Limbaugh, The Daily Mail and Talksport ranting in one ear and George Galloway, Michael Moore, Non Phixion, Lowkey and Ras Kass being all righteous in the other, it's impossible for a mere mortal such as myself to distinguish fact from fiction and noise from signal. To my confused little mind, it's as if these opposing voices are but two flabby buttocks on the same arse, flapping against each other and  coiling out lengths of reductio ad abturdum Godshite.

so From here on in, I will let Braintax and La Coka Nostra do my thinking for me. Now I concede I'm just another sleep-walking zombified corporate apologist (lord knows you've tried to educate me on this score more than enough times) but I have had a go at some further reading. now it's nowhere in the same league as the Truths with which you blessed me but I stumbled across this whimsical jotting from me ol' gal pal Marian Evans-Lewes :

"Your pier-glass (mirror) or extensive surface of polished steel made to be rubbed by a housemaid, will be minutely and multitudinously scratched in all directions; but place now against it a lighted candle as a centre of illumination, and lo! the scratches will seem to arrange themselves in a fine series of concentric circles round that little sun. It is demonstrable that the scratches are going everywhere impartially and it is only your candle which produces the flattering illusion of a concentric arrangement, its light falling with an exclusive optical selection. These things are a parable. The scratches are events, and the candle is the egoism of any person"

(Middlemarch, Chapter XXVII, 1871)

D'ya reckon The Illuminati reprogrammed her? - after all, back then, she wouldn't have had recourse to tin foil from which to fashion a mind-control shield. Lest we forget that those pesky shape-shifting lizards are always hiding in plain sight in the movies:

and I quote:

""This may be hard for you to understand but there is no conspiracy. Nobody is in charge. It's a headless blunder operating under the illusion of a master plan. Can you grasp that? Big Brother is not watching."

But of course, We know better. Finally, congratulations and kudos "What for?" (I hear you ask) Don't be so modest. Congratulations for liberating every elderly, homeless, disabled and disenfranchised person in your community - I mean, I take it you've addressed the immediate needs of "The Great Ignored" on your doorstep before tilting at windmills and taking on nebulous nemeses? I believe it was Gok Wan who said "be the change you want to see" right? Well, #you go girlfriend!#

With genuine love and concern, best wishes -

The CritIQ. XO

ps: FYI.....The plural of "anecdote" is not "data." perpetuating a feedback loop of youtube clips and apocryphal wikipedia entries is not "research." Fatuous questions are not "facts." 3rd-hand urban myths are not "evidence." Idealism is not "analysis." Parrots are never “learned.” Cut'n'pasting online dictionary entries does not make you an etymologist. Listening to Non Phixion and smoking weed all day, every day, doesn't trump actual scholarship, diligent investigative journalism nor years of direct professional experience in any given field of expertise (not even the field of shit rap and marijuana studies) . Chronic masturbation whilst listening to nothing but Canibus and Conspirituality is not a recognised fast track route to attaining a doctorate in structural engineering/Theology/semiology/history/Metallurgy. There's nothing philosophically, politically, linguistically, poetically, theatrically or musically "revolutionary" about these "Revolutionary" rappers you idolise. The only "revolutionary" thing about these graceless one-dimensional rappers is the motion of the CD. In fact, most of them spout the sort of cod mysticism and wonky numerology that the likes of Russell Grant and Derek Acorah would dismiss as Hokus pokus bunkum. If your favourite rapper was as smart as they think they are, they wouldn't be rappers. As for those notorious Truther Fearists you adore? Well, the reason no schools feature their incoherent scribblings in the curriculum is because they are garbage - there's nobody hushing up these pantomime paranoiacs and perennial talkshow pundits who enjoy making an unhealthy living off pretentious dickheads such as You.

pps: From here on in, ***PLEASE*** keep your half-baked magic-beans to yourself.

Ppps: Feel free to share this with all your fellow Truth Seeking buddies.

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